Rough sex - how hard sex becomes a hot number

Do you know what Rough Sex is? We'll explain, then you decide if you like it. Rough sex or hardcore?

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by Bell Bennett

12 minutes read

Rough sex - how hard sex becomes a hot number

Most people would probably describe rough sex as a combination of wild, animalistic, passionate or rough. Rough sex is not defined by a specific act. Rather, it is about the dominance of one person over another. Rough sex games can include dirty talking, spanking, role-playing, biting, scratching or the use of implements such as restraints or whips à la 50 Shades of Grey. For some, rough sex even means sex all hard – but how are you supposed to know how far you can or even should go? With our guide, you'll know from now on what it's all about when someone makes rough sex a topic. Or rather: you can have your say from now on!

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Is Rough Sex Sadomaso? The definition of rough sex

At first glance, one might assume that people who prefer a harder pace in bed are sadistic or masochistic. However, we cannot confirm this. S&M is more of a fetish that often goes hand in hand with certain clothing, fixed patterns and absolute control as well as total submission. Moreover, BDSM and SM are not primarily about sex - on the contrary, sexual intercourse is rarely practised in the scene. Rough sex, on the other hand, is such an "in-between" thing. If you like, we can best describe it as a step halfway up the stairs between flower sex and SM. Many people would probably be surprised if we told them: an estimated 60 percent of sexually active women get gasps at the thought of clear announcements in bed, bound hands and slaps on cheeks and breasts. And not at all out of indignation, but because the idea turns them on. However, hardly any of these ladies would describe themselves as masochists. Most women reject extreme dominance and practices that leave visible marks on the body. One may assume that it is no different for the men of creation.

The question: “What does one mean by hard sex?”, however, cannot be defined equally for all its lovers. For some, it is already being tied to the bed and a few drops of wax on the skin during foreplay. Others want to put themselves blindly into their partner's hands and be taken firmly from behind without announcement. Rape fantasies are also not uncommon, but beware: your lover suggests this because she trusts you and knows you would never inflict unwanted pain on her. The generous use of lubricants is mandatory for such scenarios, for example! Even with solicited “spankings”, you must be careful to avoid sensitive areas and not hit veins and lymph glands too hard.

So what is hard sex now? A big part of the appeal is certainly the social taboo around supposed violence in bed. Years ago, an Australian doctor put forward the thesis that most women who like hard sex do so for a very simple reason: It turns them on! Promptly confirmed by co-author of the best-selling book Moregasm and founder of a successful sex toy company Claire Cavanah: 

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“Surrendering to the feeling of power or powerlessness during the act is really very arousing!” We find Cosmo writer Chiara Atik's description most apt: “What makes rough sex so incredibly sexy is the urgency factor: someone wants you so badly they can't stop themselves from tying you to the bed.” — Oh yes, baby, we think so too!

The attraction of dominance

How do you feel your way to rough sex?

Yes, you read that right, rough sex is not something you can just start at random. It always takes two people and the success, i.e. the pleasure and satisfaction, is essentially dependent on certain agreements beforehand. In fact, they are mandatory: you don't want to come across as a ruthless psychopath if you take your partner hard from behind and pull her hair in the process. It could therefore go just as badly wrong if you work your lover unprepared with a whip, wax and fingernails. However, it doesn't work the other way round either: women should also not just tell their partner out of the blue and during the act: "I want hard sex". After all, this can mean at least 37 things. So there is no way around an open conversation between the two partners - whoever wants to put the initial wish into practice.

Clear rules with a traffic light in rough sex

But what do you tell your partner when you feel like a hard sex position? It is important that you discuss your desires for rough foreplay and positions for hard sex, but also your limits. Knowing that the framework of what can and should happen is set makes it easier for both him and her to experiment with “really hard sex”. It also makes the first steps towards hard sex positions correspondingly pleasurable. So be very clear about what is in it for you and what are absolute taboos! If the suggestion comes from you, make sure that your partner also states this clearly before it gets down to business. We recommend that you agree on a code word: When the agreed word comes up, all actions are stopped immediately. Many couples use the colours of traffic lights as a guide. “Green” means everything is fine, step on it. “Yellow” means we are at the limit, firmer, lower or similar I don't want. “Red” corresponds to the immediate stop of rough sex. And listen to your intuition – even if this may be difficult for you in the heat of the moment! If you take this advice to heart, getting into rough sex will certainly work out and be a fulfilling experience for both parties involved.

Learn more about the code word here!

Tips for hard sex

Many men are quite baffled when their partner asks for a slap during foreplay or wants to be tied firmly to the bed before penetration. That's why prior arrangements are so important. Because the unexpected request “slap me” or “bite me hard in the ass” can abruptly interrupt lovemaking. But even if your conversation has given you an idea (as precise as possible) of what should happen, it's better to approach it slowly. This is especially true if you are both newcomers to hard sex. In the beginning, men will probably be a little too timid in many cases, after all, the lady is close to your heart. But that is much more desirable than if she cries out in pain the first time you pull her hair. Besides, that's exactly what your partner has the code words for: to give you the go-ahead and push you to be a bit more forceful if you're on the right track. Or to put the brakes on you when things get too intense for her.

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Binding partner during rough sex

The most popular ways to get started are blindfolding, wrist restraints and light to medium bites and slaps. If you are both fully into it, the lovemaking often expands a little each time, both in the choice of tools and in the intensity. Very hard sex is definitely not something you engage in when approaching rough sex. With time comes experience and a sense of the right power behind slaps and thrusts that will make your woman scream with pleasure. Oh, and sex talk that's not exactly sparing with dirty words is also perfect for turning things on! Try announcements along the lines of, “I'm going to fuck your brains out,” or, “I'm going to lick you until you beg for mercy.” Such prospects already make many women who like rough sex wet panties and breathe faster.

The right preparation is the be-all and end-all

By the way, the be-all and end-all for a successful rough sex night is preparation. Don't imagine if she confesses to you that she wants to be tied to the curtain rod during foreplay and you have neither rope nor cloth at hand. Blindfolds, special sex candles whose wax does not burn the skin, and possibly "percussion instruments" such as wooden spoons or a soft whip should also be at hand. And, because it is so important, once again the advice to use enough lubricant or skin-friendly oils. Very hard sex does not mean that you can hardly penetrate her and that it rubs like crazy behind and in front. That would certainly be a no-go for your sweetie and the rough sex experiment would be doomed to failure. 

If it flows nicely, you can play with different deep, hard or fast thrusts and bring your partner to orgasm repeatedly. Or maybe stop briefly for this, give her some time to cool down and start again? A bittersweet sex torture that can be implemented in many ways in rough sex games! Especially hot: Comment on what you're doing: "You wanted to come already, you little slut? That's what you thought, I'm nowhere near done with you yet!" By the way, orgasming with one or both rough sex players is not the end of your rough lovemaking. The new experience of the rough act can be mentally exhausting and trigger unexpected emotions, even if your partner enjoyed it very much. Or maybe she broke off sex and now wonders how she ever came up with the idea, and quite possibly she is even ashamed of it. Whatever reaction you observe in your wife, you should be ready to catch her emotionally. Cuddling, caressing and talking, taking a bath together or something similar are very important for successful rough sex - especially during the first attempts!

Rough sex game types: Rape, choking, spanking and co.

Before we go into the most popular rough sex variations, one thing should be said: THE ONE version of hard sex does not exist. We humans are simply too different for that, just like our fantasies and preferences. The most widespread among lovers of rough fucking are:

  • Rape, which we have already mentioned. This rough play fantasy is about the allure of the strange, the unexpected, of simply having to do what the other person wants. Of course, as also mentioned above, within the framework of what is liked and agreed upon.

More about Rapeplay

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Does choking belong in rough sex

  • Spanking means nothing more than spanking the other person, either with or without clothes. In a broader sense, however, the term also refers to pats or blows on the back, thighs and, to a lesser extent, on the genital area. Depending on where the blow lands, you have to be very careful not to cause too much pain. 

  • Particular caution is even required when choking. As the term suggests, this involves choking your partner during foreplay or the act. We strongly advise beginners to study the subject thoroughly before their first attempt. The carotid artery, the trachea, the oesophagus and the spinal cord all run through the throat. Squeezing the wrong way can therefore lead to serious injuries and even death. Even though some choking enthusiasts say that being deprived of air for a short time is very exciting, there are some dangers that no one should underestimate!

  • Bondage also comes from the English language and describes the tying up of the partner before or during the act of love. Especially when very hard sex is desired, bondage by means of rope, handcuffs or cloths is one of the most popular types of electrifying foreplay. This is because the inability to move at will ideally prepares the head and body for the hard act.    

All about bondage!

Rough sex - positions

Several rough sex practices can be integrated into the doggy style. You can pull your partner by the ponytail, blindfold her or really heat her up with strokes on her ass cheeks. In addition, the depth of penetration and the hardness of the thrusts can be optimally controlled. It is also exciting when your partner lies on her back and you fix her hands above her head. Kneel between her wide spread legs and penetrate her while you describe to her in dirty words what is going on in her womb. Similarly, you can be dominant and hard in the riding position: Cover her eyes and tie her hands behind her back. Knead her breasts or give slaps on her upper body and thighs. Suck or nibble on her and keep the lady's pelvis pressed against yours while you penetrate her deeper and deeper. If that doesn't sound tempting... Just try it out, you will definitely not regret it!

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